POTC Sparrabeth Moments: Parodies
by JustAnotherAuthorDurping
Summary: Yes, we've seen all the Sparrabethy scenes, and we love them, but have you read the Sparrabeth Parodies? This is a collection of Sparrabeth scenes, all written as funny, make you wet yourself parodies! R&R! Guaranteed to make your day! M for adult humor!
1. Curiosity

_A/N: My excuse for this? I was bored. I'm thinking of doing all the Sparrabethy scenes, but not in any particular order. I might jump from this scene to the Island scene, for all you know. ;)_

**Edit 12/7/08:** I have boosted the rating to this story to **M** because even though the first few chapters are NOT in need of the rating, future chapters are.

**Disclaimer: Sorry, not mine.**

**Sparrabeth Parody: Curiosity**

Elizabeth: -sigh- I am so depressed on this ship full of drunken idiots. Maybe I'll sit on the stairs and pout until someone comes over to sympathize for me.

Jack: -saunters over with, yes you guess it; rum- I know women so well, that I can tell you're in need of some rum, and maybe a fine night in my cabin, aye?

Elizabeth: You're disgusting. I want to be married and tied down forever you fool.

Jack: Hmm… First rum, then maybe a night in my cabin? –hands rum-

Elizabeth: -drinks-

Jack: You know… Lizabethy-boo-boo-boo, I am, captain of a ship… And being captain of a ship, I can in fact flirt outrageously with a woman who is supposed to marry a pansy, and offer my hand in marriage, even though I am really just asking if you want to spend some time in my cabin.

Jack and Elizabeth shippers all across the world: -swoon and plan to use this quote for future arguments about how Sparrabeth is far superior over Willabeth-

Elizabeth: Though I am greatly tempted to spend some time with a real man, the fact that this is a Disney movie and their all virgins, I am forced to unhappily to decline. –gets up and walks away-

Jack: Why not? To bloody hell with Disney. We are very much alike, you and I, I and you, us.

Elizabeth: Oh except for a sense of honor, and decency, and a moral center… And plus, you smell bad, which I find oddly attractive.

Jack: Trifles. You will come over to my side I know it.

Elizabeth: Hmph. Tell me Captain, how do you know that? I do not believe you read minds.

Jack: Three words love; a _real_ man. You long for a man, not some little eunuchy boy you picked up from a piece of burnt wood. You need someone who won't cry when they watch _The Notebook_, and would rather gladly watch _Gladiator_. You need someone who is good at heart, and good in the bed. One day, you won't be able to resist my terrible pick-up lines, and my dashingly handsome good looks.

Sparrabethers all across the world: -swoon-

Elizabeth: Since that is all true, I'm going to change the subject. Why doesn't your compass work?

Jack: -offended- My compass works fine.

Elizabeth: Let me tactically change the subject back to our original argument. Because you and I are alike, and there will come a moment when you get a chance to show it; to do the right thing.

Jack: Yeah right. I try my hardest to avoid those situations Lizzie, and it takes a great amount of effort to do so.

Elizabeth: You'll have the chance that'll give me some excuse to kiss you. And when you do you'll discover something.

Jack: I couldn't possibly imagine what that may be.

Elizabeth: That you're a good man.

Jack: All evidence to the contrary.

Elizabeth: Oh, I'm the only bloody idiot that has faith in you.

Jack: Oh really? And why is that?

Elizabeth: -turns towards him and tilts her head upwards to his, causing Sparrabeth fans to nearly crap themselves with excitement- Curiosity; you're going to want it. A chance to have me for one moment in your life, where you'll then realize that because Disney are as said before, all virgins, they will put me with Will. You're going to want to know, what it tastes like.

Jack: I _do_ want to know what it tastes like.

Elizabeth: But, seeing as you're good man, I know you'd never put me in a situation that'd compromise my honor.

Jack: To hell with your honor. –leans forward, only to see the black spot on his hand, causing him to pull away-

Elizabeth: Damnit! Why didn't you kiss me!? Oh yes, right, my line. Ahem. I'm proud of you Jack.

Sparrabeth fans: We're not! Damn Disney!

Some random sailor who only has one pitiful line in the entire movie: Land ho!

Elizabeth: -walks away-

Jack: Eugh… I want my Jar Of Dirt.

All females in the audience: OMG, HE IS SO CUTE! –squee-

_A/N: Before you all bash on this, I know everyone is out of character, it was for ha-ha's, okay? So leave the rude comments out. And I tried not to use a lot of the lines from DMC, so I changed a lot, k? And I have nothing against Disney, really. But my friend Marissa pointed out that they always do the whole 'princess prince' thing. Why not the princess and the thief?_


	2. Will's Death

A/N: Yeah, told you I'd skip from different movies. This is the 'Will's Death/Parachute' scene, so yeah. Hope you like it and get a few laughs!

**Sparrabeth Parodies:**** Will's Death/Parachute**

Davy Jones: Tell me, William Turner; do you fear death?

Jack: Hm, do you?

Davy: -turns around and sees Jack- Oh damn.

Jack: I've got the whole seas, in my hands; I've got all the seven seas, in my hands…

Davy: -snorts and stabs Will-

Will: Ouch.

Elizabeth: -gasps-

Jack: -gasps-

Orlando Bloom Fans: OHMYGOD, ORLY! –cry and sob-

Sparrabeth Fans: Ha ha!

Davy: -twists sword into Will's flesh deeper-

Will: Let me lie here and gasp while you painfully shred my insides apart instead of screaming bloody murder.

Davy: Your pain sustains me.

Bootstrap Bill: Wait… Sanity… Coming… Back… Oh right. Will is my son. –tackles Davy Jones-

Elizabeth: -moves to Will and cups face- Will… Shouldn't you be coughing up blood?

Will: It's a Disney movie; we're not allowed to show anything that might tell kids what the real world is like. –dies-

Orlando Bloom Fans: -faint-

Sparrabeth Fans: THANK ALL GODS KNOWN AND UNKNOWN!

Elizabeth: Oh good, now I have a reasonable excuse to love Jack. Wait… Damn, Disney movie. Will, oh Will, don't die! –agonized-

Jack: -torn- If I kill Davy, I will have to look at dead bodies, but if I let Will kill Davy, I'll get the girl… Hmm… -moves to Will-

Meanwhile, back at Davy and Bootstrap…

Davy: Time to make a long line that'll in the end be my demise instead of yours.

Bootstrap Bill: Okay.

Davy: Ahem. You will not forestall my judgment!

Jack: -uses Will's hand to stab the heart- Ho ho.

Davy's Heart: You bastard, you forgot about me! –dies-

Davy: Oh sea turtles… Calypso. –dies-

Bootstrap Bill: Hey look, a dagger.

Dutchman Crew: Do what you want cause a pirate is free! YOU ARE A PIRATE! Yar har fiddle dee dee! Time to cut out your heart!

Elizabeth: Wait! I can't leave him!

Jack: -makes a parachute and grabs Elizabeth- Hold on tight, but be easy on the goods.

Elizabeth: -clings-

Jack: -shoots rope and flies the air-

Parachute: I'm defying the laws of gravity with my torn sails that are somehow allowing me to float in the air!

Jack the Monkey: I'm so cute. –jumps on rope-

Pirates Fans: AWW!

Sparrabeth Fans: -swoon and die-

Elizabeth: Oh Jack, comfort me because my husband has just died.

Jack and Elizabeth: -splash in water-

Jack Sparrow, Jack the Monkey, and Elizabeth: -climb onto the Pearl-

Gibbs: Jack, we're going to die because of you.

Jack: Shut it!

Flying Dutchman: I'm back!

Will: Like my newly acquired bandana? And my new perm? The sea-horses did it.

Sparrabeth Fans: NOOO! –stabs Disney-

Disney: LOL.

Orlando Bloom Fans: -regain consciousness- OH ORLY!

Elizabeth and Jack: Damn.

_A/N: Review? _


	3. Rum Runner's Isle

_A/N: Thanks for the wonderful reviews! I'm glad you liked this! Happy New Year everyone! _

**Sparrabeth Parody: Rum Runner's Isle**

Jack: That's the second time I've ever watched that old wrinkly prune sail away on my ship.

Elizabeth: How pathetic.

Later that day… 

Jack: -walks to the center of the island and starts jumping around like he's drunk… Oh wait, he always is-

Elizabeth: Jack! I'm hot, tired, and my hair is frazzled! Can we please leave?

Jack: Well, Lizzie doll, you got one thing right. You _are_ pretty hot…

Elizabeth: -smacks-

Jack: Ouch! Bugger. I suppose I deserved that.

Elizabeth: Jack…

Jack: Fine. The only way we can escape is if you have a pair of red shoes.

Elizabeth: … Red shoes?

Jack: Aye! Red shoes! You click them together and say 'There's no place like home' three times. Bloody brilliant, eh?

Elizabeth: ... You're an idiot. Just tell me how you escaped last time.

Jack: -brushes some sand away and pulls open secret door- Last time… I was here a grand total of 4,320 minutes.

Elizabeth: …

Jack: -jumps into secret stash- Last time, I was able to barter my way off, in exchange for telling a eunuch what it's like to be a real man… You know, the eunuch looked like Will, oddly enough… -comes back up with rum- Oh, did I fail to mention that there was a rum stash?

Elizabeth: So that's it. You spent three days, lying on a beach, drinking rum.

Sparrabethers: Look how close she is to his face! –squee-

Jack: And telling the eunuch what it's like to be a real man, that's correct.

Elizabeth: Ugh.

Jack: -hands rum bottle- Welcome to the Caribbean love. –walks away-

Elizabeth: -looks at bottle- Hm, maybe I could use this vile drink to my advantage…

Later that night… 

Jack and Elizabeth: -dancing around fire while singing-

_We're devils and black sheep, really bad eggs,  
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho_

Yo ho yo ho a pirates life for me!

Jack: I love this song!

Elizabeth: -giggle-

Jack: -plops onto ground and pulls Elizabeth down, causing Sparrabethers to squee again-

Jack: When I get the Pearl back…

Elizabeth: If you ever do…

Jack: I'll teach it to the whole crew, and we'll sing it all the time!

Elizabeth: It so strange how you're actually attractive right now. Well then, time to put my plan to action. –snuggles self between Jack's chest and arm-

Sparrabethers: -die with happiness-

Willabethers: NO!

Elizabeth: Oh Jack, let me make it so you actually think something will happen between us. –sighs- It must have been so terrible for you to be on this island _alone_… without any female company.

Jack: Oh yes… But you being all snuggled by me is infinitely better than a eunuch. –places a hand on her shoulder-

Elizabeth: Despicable pirate! I need to be far more drunk if you're going to have your way with me, at least for the sake of the virgins at Disney!

Jack: Oh, right. Let's drink. –passes out-

Elizabeth: Ugh.

_That morning…_

Jack: -half asleep- What's that… smoky rum smell… Hmm… -wakes up and looks- _WHAT THE BLOODY HELL! NO!_

Elizabeth: -burns rum-

Jack: -gets off his lazy arse and runs towards Elizabeth- Wait! Stop! Even though it's obvious, let me ask, what are you doing?! You burned all the food, the shade, the rum!

Audience: LOLOLOL.

Elizabeth: Yes, the rum is gone!

Move Writers: And time to make movie history.

Jack: But _why_ is the rum gone?!

Movie History: -made-

Elizabeth: One, because it almost made me do something that would compromise my honor with you!

Jack: Really?

Elizabeth: Two, I want to get off this island and see my overly pompous father and marry the commodore whom I hate!

Jack: … But why is the rum gone?!

Audience: LOLOLOL.

Elizabeth: Idiot!

Jack: -pulls out gun and points it at Elizabeth- EUGH! –runs away-

Audience: MORE LOLOLOL.


	4. The Kiss Of Death

_A/N: I want to thank you all so much for the support on these parodies! I never thought they'd be liked so!_

_Alas, everyone's most wanted parody: the KISS!_

Sparrabeth Parody: The Kiss 

Jack: Abandon ship, into the longboat.

Gibbs: -gasp- But Jack! It's the Pearl!

Jack: She's only a ship mate.

Will: Ships are inanimate objects; they can't have sexes, FOOL!

Elizabeth: We have to head to land.

Pintel: You know, you all think we're stupid…

Ragetti: But we DO make sense sometimes!

Pintel: And we're not gay either!

Ragetti: No, we're not!

Will: This isn't '_Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen'_. Come on everyone, let's go.

Elizabeth: Ha, yes, all of you… Go load everything into the ship whilst I kill the captain.

Gibbs, Pintel, Ragetti, Marty, and Will: -run to longboat-

Jack: -sigh and turns around- 'Cause I feel real deep when I'm dressing in drag I call it freedom of expression, most just call me a fag…' I'll miss you Pearlie old girl.

Disney: Time to make the Willabeth fans all commit suicide.

Elizabeth: Thank you Jack.

Audience: -gasp and mutters to person next to them- Oh my god, what's she gonna do?!

Jack: -turns around with a sad puppy-dog face-

Audience: Awww! –sob-

Elizabeth: You came back… I always knew Disney would give me an excuse to kiss you. –kisskissmoochfacesuckage-

Sparrabeth Fans: -stomp feet, throw popcorn, cat call, whistle, and cheer-

Me: -heart attack all over the place-

Zay: -spasms but still holds onto shreds of sanity-

Willabeth Fans: NOOO! –die all over again-

Disney: Ha-ha!

Will: -looks over and sees them kissing- My… life… crushing… before… my… EYES!

Jack: -morelustykissing-

Elizabeth: -chains to mast-

Sparrabeth Fans: Auggghhh!

Jack: Oh damn. Why didn't I see that coming?

Elizabeth: Your much more of a better kisser than Will. Ow! Oh, I mean, it's after you, not the ship… Please fall for my terrible excuses as to why I had to kiss you.

Jack: Just say it's because you have a thing for me love and I'll forgive you.

Elizabeth: Never! Disney won't let me!

Jack: Shame…

Elizabeth: -goes to kiss again but pulls back-

Sparrabeth Fans: DO IT!

Elizabeth: I'm not sorry. –liar-

Jack: LIES. And love, you're a pirate. –verbally smacks her-

Elizabeth: -nods and turns away-

Jack: Now, how do I squirm my way out of this one…

At the longboat… 

Will: -thinks- _You just had to kiss him, didn't you? Well then Elizabeth, no more boring British-makes-you-want-to-shoot-yourself sex for you!_

Elizabeth: … Go!

Back to Jack… 

Jack: With my quick wits… I can escape this chain! Ta-daa!

Houdini: -takes notes- You're the first magician ever!

Jack: I'm skilled.

Kraken: Yo. –roars-

Jack: -covered in slime- You need to brush your teeth mate.

Kraken: You did not just diss me! –eats-

Jack: -digested-

Kraken: Yummy in my tummy… -takes boat down to Davy's Locker- Oh damn… I think I forgot the combination…

Later that evening at the creepy voodoo woman's shack… 

Will: -destroys table- At least it isn't self-mutilation.

Elizabeth: -cries-

Tia Dalma: -hands out drinks- Tis' nothin' but some mind control potions. Dey make you release me from my human bonds, yes?

Elizabeth: -sigh-

Gibbs: To Jack Sparrow!

Ragetti: We're not gay!

Pintel: Quit it! –shoves- A gentleman of fortune he was!

Elizabeth: He was a good man… great kisser.

Everyone but Elizabeth: -drinks-

Tia Dalma: Let's make dis movie franchise even longer; let's go save Jack!

Everyone: Aye!

Tia Dalma: Now… to drive the audience crazy… May I introduce our favorite bad-ass pirate, Barbossa!

Barbossa: YO!

Everyone: WHAT!?

Audience: WHAT?!

Disney: Arr! Hahaha! Now you _have_ to wait for the third movie!

_A/N: Yes, I did use the 'Emo Song' by Andrew and that other kid. Not mine. :3 And sorry, I just had to include me and my friend Zay (Zayz) and our thoughts about the best movie kiss in the history of history. Please review!_


	5. I Can't Breathe

A/N: Thank you for all the reviews & support

_A/N: Thank you for all the reviews & support! _

**Sparrabeth Parodies****: I Can't Breathe**

Norrington: Elizabeth, may I speak with you over there by that dangerous by-the-edge-of-a-cliff arch?

Elizabeth: Sure Mr. Pompous Hair.

Norrington: Do forgive me if I seem forward, but I must speak my mind…

Elizabeth: Oh here we go. –fans self-

Norrington: This new job has given me a powdery new wig, and from it, I draw the courage to ask if you will marry me and then, we can have strange British sex.

Elizabeth: I can't breathe. –faints off cliff-

Norrington: Yes, the idea turns me on too. –turns around- Elizabeth?

Elizabeth: - inexplicably avoids falling on the jagged rocks in the water-

Norrington: ELIZABETH!

Meanwhile, down at the docks…

Jack: And then I ate their chief...

Elizabeth: –splash-

Jack: Hmm, you'll be saving her than? I don't want me kohl to run.

Murtogg: I'm a pansy!

Mullroy: I just ate, I'll get cramps!

Jack: Whelps! -begins to remove clothes-

Female Audience: -gasp-

Jack: -stops after his coat and jumps in-

Female Audience: Aww...

Male Audience: Ooohh, nice dive!

Medallion: I can make things shake, want to see?

Water: -shake-

Wind: -blows-

Solders: -run-

Jack: -grabs Elizabeth and pulls her up-

Sparrabeth fans: -spasm- Their sooo close!

Jack: Can't… Hold… Above… Water! –strips her dress off her-

Sparrabeth fans: Oh my god! –dies-

Jack: -brings to docks-

Murtogg: Not breathing!

Jack: Way to state the obvious. –pulls out knife and cuts corset-

Elizabeth: -coughgagchokesputtersputter- -looks at Jack- You're amazingly attractive.

Jack: -looks at medallion- Did you get this at Walmart?

Elizabeth: No, I got it from a creepy little boy I picked up off a piece of wood.

Jack: Oh good; taking unknown objects from strangers is always safe.

Norrington: -whips out sexy new shiny sword- On your feet.

Jack: Damn.

Norrington: I see her in her undergarments and shall assume the worse.

Weatherby: Me too; kill him.

Elizabeth: Father! He only tore my clothes off to save me! This white under gown means nothing – no rapage took place!

Norrington: Fine. –looks at Jack with arrogant distaste- I believe a handshake is in order.

Hands: -shake-

Norrington: Ooh, sexy tattoo; did Rick do it?

Jack: No, Rob.

Norrington: Pirate. Get those shackles, and send him to my room... no interuptions.

Jack: Eep. -gets shackled- Finally. -grabs Elizabeth-

Elizabeth: -gasp-

Jack: Give me my affects!

Affects: -given-

Jack: Now Elizabeth -.

Elizabeth: It's Miss. Swann!

Jack: Shut up bitch! Now, as I was saying, you can put my stuff on my now.

Elizabeth: -starts putting on belts-

Jack: You know, I'd much rather see you taking off my clothes then putting them on… Giggidy goo.

Elizabeth: Wretch.

Jack: -spins her around- Now… this is the day you shall always remember as the day… I raped yo' daughter! –shoves Elizabeth away-

Governor: I knew it!


	6. Come To Join Me Crew Lad?

I just want to say that I really love everyone who reads this story and gets such a kick from it

A/N: I just want to say that I really love everyone who reads this story and gets such a kick from it. I was wondering… should I parodize the whole movies in general? Give me some feedback on what you all think. :P

Dedicated to the lovely girls at Tasty Pirates! You guys are the best. Especially at the 'pants' forum. X)

**Warning:**** Mild ****adult**** humor ahoy! Seriously, if your mind is fragile and still innocent, skip this. Really. My head is in the gutter whilst writing this and I am high off sugar! So read at your own risk. Otherwise, leave the whiney reviews of nastiness out.**

**And I have nothing against Norrie! He's just fun to make fun of! Really.**

**Come to Join Me Crew Lad?**

Mysterious Man: Captain Runs-Like-a-Pansy.

Jack: Come to join me crew lad, welcome aboard.

Mysterious Man: I'm here to find the man I love.

Jack: -pauses- M'deeply flattered son, but my first and only love is the sea. But mate, I know of these two men by the name of Will Turner and Cutler Beckett… great eunuchs… I'd assume terrific at giving blow-.

Mysterious Man: Meaning Ja- I mean, William Turner, Captain Sparrow.

Jack: -spins around- Elizabeth. –eyes up and down- -turns back to Gibbs- Hide the magazines and change me bed sheets.

Sparrabethers: -squees at reunion of the sexiest couple ever-

Jack: You know, these clothes do not flatter you at all, it should be a dress or… Quite honestly love, it should really just be nothing at all. In me cabin. On me bed-.

Elizabeth: -stern- Jack, I know Will came out looking for you to look brave and heroic for this movie even though he's as boring as piece of cardboard. Where is he?

Jack: Darling I am truly unhappy to have to tell you this, but through an unfortunate and entirely unforeseeable series of circumstances that have nothing whatsoever to do with me, poor Will has been press-ganged into Davy Jones pants.

Elizabeth: … Davy Jones? His pants?

Jack: -nods head-

Norrington: -spews chunks- Oh please. –pant- The captain of the flying Doucheman?

Jack: You look bloody awful mate, what are you doing here?

Norrington: I'm being used by Disney to make an epic threequel to this movie series – I can't help it if I'm a tool. Plus you have no standards.

Jack: You mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.

Fangirls: LOLILOVEJACKSPARROW.

Elizabeth: Jack.

Jack: Eh.

Elizabeth: All I want is to find Will.

Sparrabethers: -collective groan and forehead smackage-

Jack: Let me trick you into wanting something else now for my own benefit. You don't want to find Will.

Elizabeth: I'm listening already.

Bob Barker: What you want is to spay and neuter your pets, folks!

Jack: What you want to find is a way to save Will… and give me what I want.

Elizabeth: And you have a way of getting a double whammy in one Pirate movie when you're forever getting jacked?

Jack: Well… there is a chest.

Norrington: A man's chest…?

Jack: A chest of unknown size and origin.

Norrington: That's even hotter…

Pintel: What contains the still erect dick of Davy Jones!

Ragetti: Thump thump!

Elizabeth: Wha-.

Jack: And whomever posses that dick, posses the leverage into commanding Jones into doing whatever it is he or she wants! Including... well, the obvious (giving William what he truly desires) and saving him from his grim fate.

Norrington: You don't actually believe him, do you? –fantasizes- Too good to be true.

Elizabeth: -considers- How do we find it?

Jack: -happy- With this. –whips out something- My condom? It is unique.

Norrington: Unique here having the meaning of broken?

Audience: -snicker-

Jack: True enough. This condom does not prevent birth.

Elizabeth: Well… what does it do?

Jack: It points to the dick you want most… in this world. –eyes up and down-

Sparrabethers: -squee- SOHOT.

Elizabeth: Oh Jack… this could be a problem… but… are you telling the truth?

Jack: Every word love. And what you want most in this world, is to find the dick of Davy Jones, is it not?

Elizabeth: To save Will?

Jack: -nods- By finding the dick of Davy Jones! –puts condom in her hand and runs-

Condom: Why howdy there young lady! What cha' wanna' do is go follow Mr. Sparrow to his cabin!

Elizabeth: -shocked-

Jack: Mr. Gibbs? We have our heading!

Gibbs: Finally! –addresses crew- Go do stuff!

Jack: -gestures to ship- My cabin?

Elizabeth: Way ahead of you.

Goat: Meeeh.

A/N: And yey for pevertedness! –spasms and dies- Sorry for anyone who's offended! And I just realized this is the most different from all the parodies… It'll probably be hated the most. Review? –flees-


	7. Davy Jones's Locker

A/N: You all really have no idea how much I love you, do you? –hands out rum, cookies, and hugs- You've made me think I am way funnier then I really am. Anyway, this wasn't really a Sparrabethy scene, but… hey, they talked…! Something that is a rarity in AWE… My longest parody yet for this series, by the way. I think… Review?

**Warning: I've taken a liking to being perverted and profane with these, so those with soft, squishy, and pliable minds… I'd suggest you don't read. And seriously, there be dragons ahead – I was high off air when I wrote this, so it is _SERIOUSLY_ screwed up…**

**Cameo appearances in this chapter by me and my good friend Benny Craig - the brother of Jenny Craig!**

**Chapter Seven: The Purgatory**

Crew: -coughgagsputterchoke-

Will: It's a good thing we had the magic of Disney to make it so we didn't die from that thousand-foot fall that would of surely killed us if it were the real world. Hey, if this is Davy Jones's locker, where is his used, dirty jockstrap and everything? I wanted to see it… hold it…

Elizabeth: And Disney paired me up with you for what reason?

Will: … maybe even smell it… Oh god, I bet the aroma is heavenly… What I'd give to lick it…

Barbossa: Your Troll Doll collection?

Will: -appalled- NEVER!

Gibbs: This truly is a craptastical place…

Davy Jones's Locker: Oh yeah, bitch all you want but when the mortal world wipes itself out in 400 years due to global warming, don't come crying to me.

Elizabeth: I don't see Jack… I don't see Waldo… and I certainly don't see anyone.

Barbossa: He's here; Davy Jones keeps all his 'playmates' here, and he doesn't share them… greedy bastard.

Will: And does it matter? We're trapped here by your doing, no different then Jack. Dare I suggest all the men here strip down to nothing and get in a big pile…?

Crabs: Let's all crawl up Tia's skirt and then onto her vagina and give her crabs. –climb up her dress-

Audience: -think of eighty million crab related jokes for Tia Dalma-

Tia Dalma: Witty Jack… -sensually strokes her crabs all sexy like- is closer then you think.

Black Pearl: -appears over mountain of sand-

Everyone by the shore: -stunned-

Crabs: This is my rifle, this is my gun! This is for shooting, this is for fun! Sound off!

Jack: Now this totally beats the entrances from all the other movies. Look how sexy I am up here – way better then the nose thing.

Fangirls: OMFG JACK IS SO HOT! –die-

Black Pearl: -splashes into the ocean-

Gibbs: Slap me fat, bare fanny thrice, till it's swollen and red and hand me to me mama, it's Jack!

Audience: What the frick does that mean?

Everyone Reading This Parody: -twitch- BAD IMAGES! –carve eyes out-

Elizabeth: -runs forward, but then remembers the whelp and stops- You do nothing but HOLD ME BACK. Fecking bastard.

Will: Bitch, don't you go to him… I'll shank you… I swear to god I'll shank the fecking hell out of you.

Me: Let's fast forward now, shall we? –fairy dust all around-

Fairy Dust: -shimmers are pretty like -

Everyone: -runs forward as Jack steps ashore-

Gibbs: Jack!

Jack: Mr. Gibbs! Dare I say your fanny is looking more red and swollen then usual?

Gibbs: Why thank you… I mean, erm, sir?

Jack: There has been a lack of creativity upon my vessel! Everyone looks like me!

Gibbs: Sir, you're insane. You're in Davy Jones's Locker, captain.

Jack: … LIES.

Will: He thinks we're a hallucination.

Jack: Oh great, it's you. William No-Dick, tell me something. Did you come here to because you are, in fact, a whelp and wished by some strange happening that you could persuade me to lie in bed with you?

Will: OH GOD YES, er, I mean no. I like… girls… I like… breasts… -cringes- Vaginas are nice, I guess…

Jack: Then you wouldn't be here, would you? So you can't be here! Q.E.D, you're not really here! It's all quite logical really. I'm not insane. –frothy at the mouth-

Audience: What the hell does Q.E.D mean?!

Elizabeth: Jack…

Sparrabethers: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, here it comes!

Elizabeth: This is real… we're here…

Jack: -so shocked he can't speak-

Will: Bitch, I told you… I told you not to go up to him! You're so getting shanked!

Jack: -runs to Gibbs- The Locker you say?

Gibbs: I said that like, five minutes ago dumb ass.

Elizabeth: We've come to rescue you!

Will: Oh bitch… you're really going to get it…

Jack: That's very kind of you, but seeing as I possess a rather large, magnificent, ship…

Elizabeth: Oh god… innuendoes… that's hot…

Will: That turns me on too. Erm, I mean, BOOBS.

Jack: Shut up! Anyway, basically, I want to leave you here to die because you're a bitch and you left me to get eaten by the Kraken, which oddly, its mouth sort of looked like a giant vagina with teeth.

Me: -shifts- Oh what… IT DID. Go watch it again, I SWEAR to god it does!

Barbossa: I see my ship… -gestures to the Black Pearl- Right there.

Jack: I can't see it; it must be a tiny thing, hiding somewhere behind the Pearl.

Audience: -giggles- Oh Jack… Who knew you'd love arguing about metaphorical dicks all the time.

Will: Jack! Beckett has the heart of Davy Jones! –sighs fondly- And he holds my heart too…

Elizabeth: -grabs Jack's arm which is surely firm and muscular and awsome-

Sparrabethers: NDSDKJDOEG, LOOK AT IT!

Elizabeth: He's taking over the seas.

Tia Dalma: The song has already been sung!

Jack: I leave you people alone and everything is falling apart!

Fangirls: LOL.

Gibbs: Aye Jack! We're all idiots without you! We need you back somethin' fierce!

Audience: Does Gibbs remind anyone else of an ignorant hick from the good old south? With his sideburns touching his fricking chin… it's most likely the equivalent of eight fricking sheared sheep. Oh, and his hill-billyish choice of language.

Will: And you need a crew.

Jack: Why should I sail with any of you! Four of you tried to kill me in the past! –points accusingly to Elizabeth- one of you succeeded!

Elizabeth: -sheepish- Er…

Will: Bitch!

Everyone: -turns to Elizabeth-

Jack: You didn't tell them? God, you're even bitchier then I thought! Well, you can all talk about it while you're here! –walks up to Tia Dalma- As for you…

Tia Dalma: Oh, but you enjoyed it at the time.

Jack: Haha, right-o, you're in. –keeps walking; reaches Ragetti- You just scare the crap out of me, to be entirely honest.

Ragetti: Aww…

Jack: Gibbs you can come… Marty… -reaches Pintel- Lay off the Big Macs mate, and we'll talk.

Pintel: I… I did join Benny Craig… it don't work!

Benny Craig: Bullshit! My program is kick ass! _Bastard_!

Jack: Cotton… Cotton's parrot I'm a little iffy, but I guess I could converse with you instead of Gibbs or Marty whom are perfectly capable of talking. –keeps walking and reaches Tai Haung- Who are you?

Tai Haung: A traitorous person that will lead to you getting ambushed later. This is my posse.

Posse: Yo.

Jack: You like high bids?

Tai Haung: Yup.

Jack: Cool! –yells- Everyone… go do stuff to get the Pearl ready! –opens compass-

Compass: WEEE, LOOK AT ME SPIN! I'm still vexin' yah old Jackie!

Elizabeth: No, _I'm_ vexing Jack! Ted and Terry said so!

Will: Bitch, you're fricking vexing me. DON'T TALK TO HIM.

Barbossa: -strokes his maps all sexy-like with his beautiful, rugged, filthy nails, much like the way Tia strokes her big ass crabs- Which way you going Jack?

Jack: -closes compass- Oh bugger.

Jack the Monkey: RAWR.

_A/N: Lesson of this chapter? I'm insane! And also, become green/eco-friendly! If it's yellow leave it mellow, if it's brown flush it down…! Review! :D Oh, and there's a poll on my profile - I need feedback on something! Please answer. :3_


	8. Brethren Court

*****I boost the rating due to the language and humor.**

A/N: Ironic… when my Sparrabeth inspiration finally hits, it's for a parody, not a real fic. Huh. This chapter was one hell of a pain to write. Contrary to what you all may think, it is rather difficult to _try_ to be funny – half the time this crap just comes out of my head, but this chapter took a bit more effort and was so long. Sorry for this not being funny at all, but this scene was just a bitch. There's a bit of a Sleepy Hollow reference in here though.

This is for Zay (who nagged for this scene since day one – sorry it's unfunny, love) and all of you who wait for my updates because I know I've been dead for I've been obsessing over 'Australia' and since many of you like these… voila. Now I know they don't really (Jack and Elizabeth) talk much, but look between the lines; this IS a Sparrabethy scene.

**Warning: You know, this has adult/controversial humor, blah blah blah. Don't read this if your naïve or innocent, and do not leave reviews telling me this is screwed up and I need to go to therapy. **

**Chapter 8: The Brethren Court**

Shipwreck Cove: Welcome to Shipwreck Cove, the holder of the most unrealistically constructed city ever! You know, if you were to think of this as the female reproductive organ, the Devil's Throat is the vagina and you're in the -.

Pintel: Look at them all!

Shipwreck Cove: Was I done speaking? Bastard!

Jack: And I have to tell them all I gave them syphilis that one evening…

Barbossa: You're such a man whore.

Cut To: The Brethren Court meeting

Barbossa: -bangs his balls on the table-

Me: Get your head out of the gutter! His _cannon_ balls!

Barbossa: Seeing as I am the most obscenely old and saggiest person here, I shall lead this! Everyone, take out your stuff!

Ragetti: -walks around with his bowl-

Pirate Lords: -hand in their junk-

Junk: Hey, just because we're not used doesn't mean we're unimportant! We're freaking pieces of eight! And what are you? A freak, that's what you are my friend and I-

Pintel: Those aren't pieces of eight, they're just pieces of junk.

Gibbs: Yes, well Calypso is a whore and doesn't deserve to be bound by sexy gold. Plus, we were broke.

Pintel: So change the name.

Gibbs: … You're clearly an idiot.

Barbossa: Mr. Ragetti, if you will.

Ragetti: -reaches into his pants and withdraws a wooden ball- I kept it safe and clean, just like you promised.

Barbossa: Good. I need it tonight anyway. –places the ball in the bowl-

Jack: Lying is a sin Ol' Barbsies. No one ever wants you at night.

Chevalle: Sparra!

Jack: Why does everyone disregard the 'ow' at the end of my name? Alas… -gropes piece of eight- Erm, let me distract you all with the fact that we are still missing what's-his-face, and I'm as pleasured as a pickle to wait until Sao Feng joins us.

Elizabeth: -appears and stuns everyone in her new garb- Sao Feng is dead. He was killed by a splinter. –rams the globe through with her sword-

Jack: He made _you_ the captain? They're just giving the bloody title away now, much like the 2004 election…

Elizabeth: The pansies and eunuchs are on their way, for someone betrayed us. Whoever could it be? –stupid- Where's Will?

Jack: She went off to have tea with the good queen. I daresay Elizabeth, with the absence of your soon to be bride, I have a mind to invite you into my-.

Barbossa: _My_ saggy balls won the leader contest, so shut it! Anyway, what will we do now that they have found us?

Elizabeth: We fight!

Room: -erupts with laughter- Silly goose!

Other Pirates: -erupt with laughter as well-

Mistress Cheng: Shipwreck Cove is a fortress and well supplied to boot! We have all the alcohol, whores, opium, and guns to last ourselves a good week until we die from various STDs, illnesses, bullets, and viruses!

Barbossa: There be a third course. In another age, we actually _did_ things. But once we bound Calypso and did stuff to her… -drones on-

Elizabeth: -the only one paying attention-

Time: -five minutes later-

Barbossa: … Ya'll know this to be positively true! Gentlemen, ladies, hermaphrodites… We must free Calypso.

Room: -silent-

Ammand: Shoot him!

Jocard: Cut off penis!

Jack: He doesn't have one mate, but to humor you – shoot him, cut out his penis and then shoot his penis! And trim those scraggly pubes.

Tai Huang: Sao Feng would've agreed with Barbossa because he lacks the capability to have his own opinions, much like an awkward girl in the confusing and challenging phases of teen-hood!

Jocard: Look, Calypso was a bitch then and she'll be an even bigger bitch now.

Chevalle: Her mood is not likely to improve.

Villanueva: I would still agree with a depressed teenager like Sao Feng! We release Calypso! –bangs fist-

Chevalle: You threaten me?

Villanueva: I punch your face in! –punch-

All the pirates save for Jack, Barbs, Elizabeth, and their lot start throwing fits-

Elizabeth: This is madness!

King Leonidas from 300: THIS IS SPARTA! -kicks Elizabeth's face in so hard she shits teeth-

Viewers: … You know, this movie REALLY set itself up for that joke.

Disney: We so clevah.

Jack: This is politics.

Elizabeth: Meanwhile our enemies are drinking tea.

Barbossa: If they not be drinking tea already.

Me: Let's take a break, shall we?

* * *

Davy Jones and Tia: -banging heads together- Angst, angst, angst, angst, angst, angst…

* * *

Barbossa: -shoots his gun- It was the first court that so stupidly imprisoned Calypso, and we will set her free, and in her gratitude she will see fit to grant us boons!

Jack: Whose boons? _Your_ boons?

Audience: -snicker- Oh Jack.

Jack: Utterly deceptive twaddle speak, says I. And innuendoes are fun.

Barbossa: Fine then – if you have a better idea, speak.

Jack: Cuttlefish.

Pirates: -face palm already-

Jack: Seeing as I have no friends I befriend the cuttlefish but shall categorize them as our dear friends meaning not just _my_ friends but _our_ friends, savvy? They're cute little wieners and whatnot, pen them up together and they'll devour one another. Human nature or fish nature?

Plato: He has terrible philosophies.

Jack: -gropes Mistress Cheng's shoulders- So yes, we could hide here and get drunk, high, syphilis (that is decidedly not from me!) and wasted and half of us will be dead within a week. Which seems grim to me any way you slice it. Or! Ahh… -comes face to face with big scary man-

Scary Man: -stare-

Jack: As me… learned colleague so naively suggests… -walks around Jocard- We could release Calypso, and pray that she will be merciful. I rather doubt that. I gave her crabs. She's is still a woman scorned, like which fury hell hath no.

Res ipso loquitur tabula in naufragio, we are left with but one option. I agree with, and god smite me for saying this, Captain Swann. We must fight.

Elizabeth: -slight smile-

Sparrabethers: HA! Finally Gore give us something!

Barbossa: You've only ever run away from a fight and anything more threatening then a spider!

Jack: LIES! I have not!

Barbossa: You have too!

Jack: Nu-ah!

Barbossa: You have too!

Jack: Have not!

Pirates: -watch-

Audience: LOLSOFUNNY!

Barbossa: You have too, and you know it!

Jack: Have not times infinity!

Pirates: Ooh, that's good.

Jack: I have only embraced the oldest and noblest of pirate traditions besides pillaging, plundering, ransacking, and raping. So let's do that – we must fight… to run away.

Gibbs: Aye!

Barbossa: According to the code, an act of war, and this be exactly that, can only be declared by the pirate king… BITCH, what now?

Jack: No way! You made that up!

Barbossa: Did I? I call upon, YO' FAJAH!

Jack: Oh fuck.

SeSumbhajee's Assistant: Hey, screw the code, man! Who needs the damn-. –gets shot-

Teague: -blows his tip-

Me: … Of his pistol! You guys need to clean that mind!

Fat, Annoying, Loud Man who I'd gladly kill: With Oxy-clean! Look how it cleans away blood and cum stains from one day of pillaging and rape in one wash!

Teague: The code is the law 'round these lands.

Music: -clanky and funny-

Teague: -approaches- You're in me way, boy.

Two Very Withered and Old Men: -carry the very large and most likely extremely heavy code in-

Audience: … why not just have someone who's arms aren't about to break carry it in?

Goof: -found-

Pintel: The code…

Ragetti: As set forth by Morgan and Bartholomew.

Teague: -whistles-

Dog: What's crackalackin? –comes over with keys.

Ragetti: Wait, how'd he…?

Captain Teague: Sea turtles, mate.

Disney: And we've officially killed that reference!

Teague: -heaves the book open and magically turns to the right page and scans- Barbossa is right.

Jack: Hang on a minute! –checks- It shall be the duty of the king to sleep with Jack Sparrow, declare war, and parlay with said adversaries… fancy that.

Chevalle: Well, there hasn't been a king since the first court because we are all stubborn dumb-asses… it is not likely to change.

Elizabeth: Why not?

Gibbs: I always have an explanation it seems for you dumb Turners and Swanns. See, the king is elected by popular vote.

Barbossa: And we always vote for ourselves.

Jack: Being the idiot that I am, I call for a vote!

Vote: -called for- You rang?

Pirates: -collective groan-

Ammand: I vote for me! If I win, I shall promote world peace and give food to starving people, and like…

Chevalle: Shut up. I vote for the penniless French man who needs to come out of the closet… me!

SeSumbhajee's Assistant: SeSumbhajee votes for SeSumbhajee.

Me: I really hate typing that name…

Mistress Cheng: Mistress Cheng.

Jocard: Gentleman Jocard.

Elizabeth: Me. Of course.

Barbossa: Barbs.

Vellanueva: Villanueva.

Jack: Elizabeth Swann.

Audience: What the fake, mate?

Sparrabethers: -all seizure, convulse, and die-

Elizabeth: Er, what-now?

Jack: I know, curious isn't it?

Sparrabethers: -reminisce to curiosity scene quickly-

Jocard: I'm so shanking you later!

Pirates: -begin fighting-

Jack: Oh, so you won't be going by the code then, bitches?

Teague: -breaks guitar string-

Guitar String: AHH! What the fuck, man?! Killing me was not needed you dick!

Mistress Cheng: Fine. What shall we do Captain Swann, king of the Brethren Court?

Elizabeth: Everyone get in your boats and we'll leave at war. But remember to pee before-hand. We shan't be taking any stops. –smiles at Jack- To my cabin then?

Jack: -nods and grins-

Sparrabethers: -shit selves since this is the first positive interacting between the two throughout the whole movie, kudos to Ted and Terry for making everyone out of character and cold-

SeSumbhajee: -stands and in a very girly voice declares- And so, we shall go to war.

Jack: …

Audience: LOLOLOLOL, SO FUNNY!

Everyone Save for Jack and Teague: -begin to file out of the hall-

Jack: -goes to Teague who gives him a look- What? You've done everything and everyone and you survived. That's the trick, isn't it? To survive.

Teague: It's not just about living forever Jackie. The trick is, living with yourself, forever.

Sparrabethers: More Sparrabeth hinting!

Jack: -quiet- How's mum?

Teague: -holds up shrunken head-

Jack's Mom: Yo.

Jack: -grimace- She looks great. –flees to seduce a particular King-


End file.
